to get over you.

to be happy.

to remember the good times.

to be a good mother to our daughter.

to patiently accept criticism.

to not harbor anger towards you for losing sight of what is important.

to be more relaxed.

to keep faith.

to find a good father figure for our daughter.

to forgive others to be forgiven.

to eat better.

to be a better sister to my siblings.

to smoke less.

to feel like I am not a failure.

to hide my tears.

to sleep without waking to nightmares of you being gone.

to STAND ALONE & live without you, my love.

.

and fab.

Work Status: I am finally starting to get my hours in.. maybe rather than being behind, I will be ahead. I am moving. Things have been great. All that praying..for once, made somewhat of a difference. It really did. Work is going well,

Looking Forward To : Halloween is coming. My daughter is going to be the cutest damn bee on the block. Buzz'n around, drawing smiles at every door. This Christmas, I am going to rent a timeshare, go have a white Christmas and learn how to snowboard. That is the plans so far anyways.

Dreaming : I want to move to another state. Maybe in a couple of years. I'd rather live in the mountains. Where my daughter will only have child molesters to look out for every 50 miles or so. 

Relationship Status: Better. I am keeping my insecurities in check and everything has been sweet. I am trying not to become too hopeful, but it is hard not to when it is family and the ones you love that you are hopeful for. I know that this is an uphill battle, but why not? My whole life has been uphill.

Overall..the family is O.K, my baby is healthy, even in the midst of the bad, I am still blessed.

So I am about to cheat.

Tempted to cheat.

For the first time in my life.

Pretending I am having sex with him, when I am with my man.

I am shocked at myself.

I was raised better than that and have better morals. I want this guy. And, he is not even my type. He has worked his way into my dreams. It’s wrong on so many levels. I think that is why both of us even want it. It is forbidden. Cuz it feels so good to be bad. Today, him and I talked about him coming up to my work (my night job)…where I am all alone. I said No. Cuz I am not trying to do wrong. I am with Jason, and he is with his girl, and his girl is nearly six months pregnant. I would be an official home wrecker. And, how would it feel if I was on the receiving end. Pregnant and cheated on. That is the epitome of cruelty. 

But…..damn.

I see him every day. ( he is handsome—dark: eyes, hair, skin. Beautiful smile, great sense of humor) And, everyday… I undress him with my eyes. I feel like such a whorebanger…but I can’t help it. I see his toned dark skin, and big arms, and cute laugh..and smile, and I want him. Have I ever denied myself what I want?  No. But, it is about to start. He calls me beautiful. While he is out in the field working, I am in the office..we email back and forth: jokes, funny pictures, gross stuff..we laugh and chat..and really enjoy each other. And, the first day he talked to me..I could tell he wanted me.

I know I won’t be able to resist him if I get him all alone, and I don’t think he would even try to hold back.

I had this dream about him:

His tounge penetrated through tight lips-

Swirling into my mouth quick…

Suckling, pulling, pushing, teasing with intense need.

My tounge battled his out..

But my hips gyrate with his.

My lie untold, but a lie none-the-less.

&& he saw right through it.

With passionate fire in his eyes, He sharply pulled me close..

Running his hands up my ass, back , neck, into my hair.

Memorize me.

 He pulled my hair hard, jerking my head back and began to kiss,

Nibble…down my throat. My chest. And back to my mouth.

Where my lips met his, singing the same note.

No resistance-only heat.

Fire that even he couldn’t match.

Pushing onto him, we fell backwards into the wall.

Hold us up wall.

I can feel him. His throbbing need.

How badly I have wanted him, and now I see the feelings are mutual.

We parted briefly to breathe, and he whispers “ you’re beautiful” softly against my lips.

Any walls left—Crumble.