so far in my life, my 25 years, I have felt discouraged. The way life was and continues to be, tumultuous yet rigid in the harsh luck bestowed upon me. The Jacka, my favorite rap artist says 'I grew up poor, and I'm still broke. What did I grow up for?'. I think back to yesterday and see myself as caught up in the dredge. The barren landscape of my relationships and hollow rapport with those who surrounded me, and continue to do so, such as school or work. I must have become so desperate I typed in 'How to be happy' or something of that manner, and stumbled to an ad on craigslist of all places, entitled 'Positive Thought'. That was over a year ago.

it has taken all thirteen months to teach myself to employ 'positive thought' within the folds of my deepest darkest insecurities and snugly into the crevice of my very being via habit. How do you know if you need to reevaluate the course of your thought? Do you feel unhappy? Ok, your in. It is a simple concept yet takes time to form as a habit that pushes all that negative energy out of you. Every time you begin to think of something negative, or nasty or mean, or uncertain or self doubting or any of that, change your thought. A friend of mine said when she was young and would cry, her mom would yell at her to  'change her face!' that is what needs to be done. My thoughts that cause me great difficulty is insecurities within my relationships. My thoughts often wander to the worst. It has taken a great deal of practice to remove these thoughts from my mind and to realize that being a policeman is not being in a relationship. Here is a common scenario: My boyfriend goes to the bar with his buddies. My thoughts- What is he doing? Who is he talking to? Are there any drunk girls doing those things that we all know and love, that drunk girls like to do? Maybe I should call him...

No.

I reinforced my own insecurity. In the habit of heartbreak. And, it dooms relationships.

All you have to do, and it takes time, is replace the bad with a good apple. Tone out the things that don't need your focus, and watch how it starts to change things.

How Positive Thought Has Changed MY Life:

1) I have begun to read to my daughter for at least 1/2 hour every day.

2 I have finally enrolled in school, as of January. And am not only passing my classes, but as an outstanding student.

3) I lost a man I loved, a month ago, he left, and in a bad way. with him taking everything for a second time. I didn't break into a million pieces like he thought I would. I continued my work, and classes, and watched way more comedy on youtube.  Every time a sneaky little belittlement crept into my inner sanctum, I blew it out. What did I do to make him leave? My next thought. I guess he took everything because he needed it more than me. He probably knows that I would want him to have it anyways. But then I think about it, realize what I am doing to myself, and follow suit with * SLAP SLAP * you need to wake up girl. He is USING you! I am not back on the dating scene, but that is because I am focusing on school, getting my Chevy Nova, and obtaining a good stance of financial stability. I am about 92% over him. I miss his eyes. AND THAT'S IT. =)

4)  I say everything I am going to do and don't have trouble communicating my thoughts with others which has led to a dramatic decrease in tensions between my relationships. Even if saying it makes things a little more tense for the time being

5) The final and most dramatic result I have seen in myself is my decline in swoon behavior. Getting lonely, and needing someone to talk to. These is no conflict within myself. I feel like I did the best I could, and need to build myself into a better person to find one who is "better" as well.

6) I won't settle. If it isn't exactly what you want, don't stop, and don't look back. Otherwise you will be looking back on time with eyes full of regret.

Watch it begin to transform how you handle your life, and how your life responds to this 'lightening' of the reigns. 

Things are good right now.

I think.

I am at home with my babygirl. She is watching Lady and the Tramp..and I just heard "they're homewreckers" Lady and the Tramp..really though? Ok ya, so anyways..I am starting school. Nervous. Is the financial aid going to come through before my classes are dropped? How can I make this work? I wonder if they offer childcare at the school that I could use while taking my classes?

My car doesn't work. I just sold my truck.   All the money is gone. All I did was pay bills, buy gas for my brother's truck (which he is letting me use. THANK GOD, and him haha).

If I had 100 arms they would be holding a cornucopia of strings, ties and other "loose ends" that make up the nonsensical fabric of my life